An Open Letter to Guy and His Big Bite

Dear Guy, from "Guy's Big Bite" on the Food Network,

Surely I'm not the first person who has begged you, for the love of all that is holy, to stop tasting your oh-so-manly, meat-stuffed-meat, pseudofusion greasetronomy and pronouncing it "money."

If an actual cool person ever used that expression, he stopped ten seconds after Swingers came out. (Psst! Swingers is about guys who think they're hip, but are actually pathetic. Okay?)

Clearly, you think you're a rock star, but real rock stars don't use hackneyed expressions like "That's so money" and "It's on like Donkey Kong." Plus, I hate to break it to you, but there are no rock stars on the Food Network. No matter how blond you bleach your hair, no matter how often you refer to yourself in the third person (smooth, dude), and no matter how many times you name one of your wake-n-bake entrees after a cocktail, you're still just a no-repeat Saturday throwaway on the Food Network. Your audience is way more Good Housekeeping than Maxim, so you might as well just try to make good food instead of a spectacle of yourself.

By the way: It's 2007. I know! That's fifteen years later than you thought it was.

Can I become cool at age almost-41?

I just signed on to twitter. I don't really know why, but I suddenly feel it necessary to reenter the realm of random communication with strangers, after having left message boards and discussion lists behind last year. I can't figure out myspace.com. Twitter seems easier, but weirder.

Anyway, I noticed all the cool kids at Twitter have web sites and blogs, so here's mine. I have opinions -- oh, yes indeed. But a life? That is what I don't have.

I know all the words to the Go, Diego, Go! and Pokemon: Battle Frontier theme songs. I know how to put together Bionicles. I have a good score in Viva Pinata. What's that spell? I have a five-year-old son.

Let the Healing Begin

I believe I expected too much. A fortnight has passed, and it's still all the same. I hug my knees to my chest. I love my greyhound.